Insecure in His "Absence"
I have been feeling a general sense of shame over the past few days. Over what, I do not know. But in the past, it has been used as a tool from Satan to confuse me and paralyze me. It's not so much a shame over "doing this and this" but a shame as in "I am not worthy of even the smallest trifle of acceptance." Regardless, I have prayed for my eyes to be open to anything I may be doing or not doing that has made me feel separate from God. I have felt that despite my faithfulness, I have not heard very much from Him lately.
I read in Luke 9 this morning of Jesus' transfiguration and related very much to Peter- "Master, it is good for us to be here." And I felt the awe ladened fear as he was covered in a cloud and God spoke to him: Peter could not stay, he had to leave. The story left me curious so I turned in my bible handbook--> the transfiguration was purposed to assure Peter and the other disciples of Jesus' divinity. Something, it said, Peter carried with him in ministry and as he was martyred.
I think maybe why I related so much this morning is due to what I've been feeling lately. A need to "see Jesus transfigured every day". But sometimes, for whatever reason (no matter how much I prod) He chooses not to show His face.
Eyes and ears- all perception- being closed to God, in certain seasons, seems to be common among even among the most devoted:
John the Baptist, as he was in prison for his faith- "Are you the chosen One, or should we be looking for someone else?"
Jesus Christ, as He hung upon the cross for us- "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"
Both of these men, in the grips of their hardest, most painful work, and God seems to be no where in site.
This is faith: being obedient, even when we have seemingly been abandoned.